Clarity is power.

We all want clarity. It’s fair to say majority of people prefer not to live in a state of ambiguity. But a lot of people do, right? Hmmm….why do you think that is? And why do we continue to put ourselves in such situations? (yes, I’m also including myself!)

Does not speaking your mind add to what I like to call “lasagna thoughts” (layered/unresolved problems)? When all we need or needed to do was seek clarity?

Clarity allows us to know how to move in a situation. Even if it’s not the answer we want to hear (that’s the hardest, trust me, I know!) Before I get into my spiel about clarity, let me talk about change first and after you’ll understand the correlation between the two.

Change is HARD, we all have to choose our hard (my best friend Andrew and I, speak on this often).

> Waking up early for work is hard
> Challenging patterns and behaviors that no longer serve you is hard
> Parenting is hard (I see you Page, Melis & Luce)
> Holding yourself accountable is hard
> Being consistent in your health journey is hard
> Changing how you communicate is hard

You get the idea, yes? So, let me continue my tangent…

Change is never linear. It’s during these times we need to welcome grace into our lives. Oscar Wilde said “experience is the hardest teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward.” Ain’t that the fucking truth? Most of us learn the hard way anyways, right? No matter how many countless times our friends and family tell us otherwise. So, I guess Oscar Wilde knew what he was talking about.

Because we choose, and I use this word intentionally because if we do not change the behavior (seeking clarity by communication. Though this can apply to about anything as well), it now becomes a decision. Choosing not to seek clarity by having that hard conversation, leaves us feeling shitty, and alone with our imaginative and dare I say, resentful thoughts?
(see lasagna below)

Yeah, I know, you probably have at least one thing you’re doing that constitutes as a choice that’s not really serving you (we all have them, I definitely do, (accountability!)). Engaging in these maladaptive behaviors only serve the purpose of familiarity, even if it’s harmful to our well-being and growth. We already know what to expect from the bad behaviors we engage in but doing something different terrifies the brain. (side note: our brain is wired to keep us safe, even though it’s quite the opposite from what we’re experiencing. It’s predictability and familiarity the brain registers).
Familiarity, will usually always win until we no longer allow our brains to ‘trick us’ in believing we’re safe. That’s what the brain does keeps us safe in unsafe situations, even though we are unsafe. Oxymoron, right? The hard part is undoing the familiar (in this case not communicating to seek clarity) and replacing it with new behaviors that are healthier and safe both mentally and emotionally. This is the hard I’m speaking about, changing these behaviors that no longer serve us. Shit’s hard. I speak from experience because I’m doing it, I’m not spewing this knowledge and not practicing it myself. Again, let me remind you, change is never linear. We will all tumble and have setbacks (not failures!), that’s OKAY! It’s how we move forward from them (grace).

A conditioned behavior that is learned is difficult to unlearn. In the words of Black Stars ‘Brown Skin Lady’ ¹, “even my conditioning has been conditioned.” Hmmm…mmm! Just remember the fears we don’t face become our limits. Advocating for yourself in any situation, be that work, friends, family, or romantic is the bravest thing we can do for ourselves (who else is gonna do it?). It provides a sense of self-worth, keeps our lasagna thoughts from toppling over, and allows us to be more present with ourselves. Believe me when I say this, the more you withhold what you want to communicate, the more it will manifest itself in other ways within your body. Such as anxiety, depression, even OCD with our rumination of thoughts (raises hand!) just to name a few, I won’t get started on the long-term impact stress has on the body, physically. These manifestations are often the symptom of the problem- not the problem itself ². Read that again.

If we are trying to unlearn this conditioned behavior, let’s first explore why some people (including myself, I’m some people) withdraw from communicating:

Unfamiliarity = Uncomfortable
People pleasing (co-dependency tendencies)
Some prefer to avoid and evade
Fear of what the person will think
You don’t want to inconvenience others with your feelings
Unresolved trauma (it will keep spilling over until you address it!)

In Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence ³, she writes: “it takes two people to create a pattern, but only one to change it.” Sometimes WE (we’re in this together!), have to be the one who speaks first, and yeah that shit is scary! Keep in mind, we cannot control external factors, we can however, control how we respond to the situation though.

So how does one communicate….effectively?

Well, I can tell you how I navigate myself while in this communication rehabilitation journey! Perhaps you may find some helpful tips along the way, if not it’s still an entertaining read!

I’ve been in therapy for almost two years and it’s helped tremendously (thanks Jane!). I’ve realized that any unsettled and pending trauma that hasn’t been addressed (as I mentioned above) will continue to find its way into your life/relationships. Keep in mind, people don’t need to tell you their patterns and behaviors they’ll show them to you….eventually! Trust and believe. Now, I’m not telling you to take your ass to therapy but, hey sometimes we need a little help and THAT’S OKAY! It’s about holding yourself accountable, because remember what I said earlier? Anything we refuse to change, now becomes a decision.

While in therapy I’ve had to take a deep dive into why I became silent in relationships, why I chose not to communicate and kept repressing all my feelings and thoughts. The conclusion? Aside from my co-dependency tendencies, I didn’t want to come off as being needy, naggy, or an inconvenience to my partner. I wanted to be the ‘cool’ chick who is okay with it all! While playing cool, I was dying inside. Super anxious, depressed, and even slightly paranoid with my ever-growing sky-high lasagna thoughts! Complete opposite of cool!

So, what have I done to pull myself out my uncomfortable comfortable? Well first, I’ve had to look at my lack of mental self-confidence and self-esteem and build it up. Mind you I’m still building. Second, trusting my gut and intuition (she doesn’t lie), I would never listen and always do the opposite. I recently really leaned into this more and I’ve found placidity and tranquility. Third, believe my words and feelings are valid and deserve to be heard. I learned if I did not seek the clarity I needed, all my feelings of worry, anxiousness, depression and paranoia would come right back. I was tired of living that way, having my body and mind go through mental warfare because of my fear of communicating.

Lastly, I wrote it all out! Not necessarily journaling, hear me out. In my case I use it as an organizational tool for how I want to convey my thoughts out loud. Anything I need to speak about, I write it out like a script, literally what I’m trying to impart to the individual. I arrange my thoughts and feelings, so when it’s time for me to speak to the person I feel more prepared. There are times, I even read it verbatim. There’s nothing wrong with it, yeah it might sound weird and who does that? I do! Someone who is learning how to communicate effectively and even then I challenge those who are skilled communicators to try it as well. Words are powerful and have a place, so choose your words thoughtfully and with intent (actions are just as important, mirror that shit).

I’ve found writing “my script” to be very helpful in communicating and seeking the clarity I require. In addition to my thought script writing, I also communicate to the receiver my feelings of anxiety speaking about said topic. I personally find there is strength in being vulnerable with my insecurities and letting them be known. It takes the power away from the insecurity, because you’re embracing it. For me, I articulate to the person: “I want to speak to you about something, as you know I’m working on communicating and being honest. I’m feeling a little nervous and anxious.” Usually, I found the response is well received. I say this with the understanding you would be mindful in your thoughts and execution in addition to tone (yes add that to the list, its significant!). Remember, there’s power in emotional control (thanks Andrew), so if at the time your pissed, angry, and about to word vomit take a step back and collect your thoughts before you act out on impulse and say something you’ll regret. You’ll be happy you did!

Now saying and doing the above listed, I want you to take stock of the gem below, compliments of Rob Hill Sr. This quote is very powerful and significant to me personally, especially as of late.

“It is healthy to ask for and seek clarity. Be careful with anyone who is comfortable keeping you confused.“

I communicate all of this as my way of being transparent and forthcoming that I’m still on this journey of seeking clarity and self-advocacy. There are days it’s a real struggle for me and other days I feel stout. I say this out loud because I want you to know, I don’t have this shit down and it’s a continued journey and process. Sometimes I tumble and have a few setbacks and my brain wants to pull me in the “safe” direction, though I understand it’s about predictability my brain loves, but my mind and body doesn’t. I see you, I know the struggle of wanting to free your mind ⁴ of it’s racing thoughts and spending all day in your head ⁵. It’s exhausting. Have compassion for yourself on days that are challenging and know your grieving your old self to make way for your new beginning.

I encourage you to push yourself through your patterns/behaviors that no longer serve you. I know it’s hard, we all have to choose our hard. Dave Chappelle said it best: “Change is never a comfortable proposition. It’s uncomfortable before it’s comfortable again.”

Summarization:

Clarity shows you how to move in a situation
You have to choose your hard
If you do not change the behavior, it now becomes a decision
Change is never linear, so give yourself grace
Lack of communication = lasagna thoughts (layered/unresolved problems) that often turn into resentments
Sometimes you may have to be the person who breaks the pattern and speaks first.
Write your “thought script” out prior to speaking. It provides confidence in seeking clarity and allows for effective communication.
Seek the clarity you deserve, be wary of those keeping you confused.
Change is uncomfortable before it’s comfortable again.

“Most big transformations come about from the hundreds of tiny, almost imperceptible steps we take along the way.” ⁶

– Lori Gottlieb