Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall…

I’m sure you finished this iconic line in your head. ¹ I thought it would be fitting considering this post will be focused on looking inward and creating or I should say recreating, one’s self. It’s not a yawn article, so stick with me, because I’m sure you’ll resonate on some level.

In terms of looking inward, I’ll be 36 in a few days, and in saying this, my thirties have been an interesting and reflective time. Author and American Folklorist Zora Neale Hurston, wrote “there are years that ask questions and years that answer.” ² She’s not wrong! I can say for certain my thirties have been the years that answer, and my 20s were years that asked questions.
What about you?

Now I’m sure we’ve all seen headlines, read articles, listened to podcasts and more about “finding yourself.” But what exactly does it mean to find yourself? Also, when we find “it”, is that it? I say this because I believe we are always evolving on some level, now whether it’s good or bad is dependent on the individual. In high school my mom would tell me and has continued to say: “Desi, your body will go through changes every 10 years.” Now of course, being a teen in high school, why would I give this a second thought? I brushed it off and continued through my sprightly teen life (body unfazed). Well twenty years later (eek!), I’ve given it a couple of thoughts. I like to correlate my mom’s body wisdom to recreating ourselves. Every decade, I feel we go through phases ³ in our lives. Think about it, what were your teen years like? What about your 20s? 30s? I’m hoping different from the decade prior. Looking back at my teens, 20s and even early 30s, I’m not the same “self”, thankfully! Not saying I was a shit (or maybe I was?), but I needed some inner work to be done (don’t we all?). We all have to shed some old to make way for the new. Life’s circumstances have shaped who we are and how we move into our continuous developing self.

So let’s begin looking inward and regenerating ourselves…

When we focus on redeveloping into a more positive way of being it allows us to vibrate at a higher frequency. Let me explain what I mean by vibrate and frequency (literally). The world is surrounded by and moves on various energies, including us humans. When someone is in a continued mindset of negativity, this can look like a lack of motivation, being stuck in the past, spiraling thoughts etc. (you get my point) you or the persons’ vibration is low. My therapist Jane uses the following analogy to explain. Imagine a plant, growing and growing. Ultimately this plant has the biggest energy and high vibration (think Groot from Marvel). Okay, so what the hell does a plant have to do with looking inward and rebuilding yourself? Gurl, a whole lot!

When we vibrate at a higher frequency it eliminates:

Attracting those who are not beneficial for us. Both romantically and in friendships (for some this also includes the removal of some family members).
The amount of bullshit we allow into our life’s (boundaries strengthen)
Playing the victim, at some point we need to take accountability for what’s no longer working for us.

Yes, I understand the list is not exhaustive, though allowing the above will definitely exhaust you; mentally emotionally, and physically. Been there, done that!

(Thank you, Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather ⁴)

I believe we will continue to accept lower vibrations into our life until we are fed up with ourselves (I was!), and ready to learn the lesson at the most precise time. This usually happens when everything is falling behind you or when the pattern continues to reappear and you’re confronted with the decision of growth (sitting with those uncomfortable feelings) OR stagnation. Being stagnant will continue to provide you with the same results, thus the same feelings. I’d like to point out avoidance only serves as way to cope by NOT having to cope. ⁵ For me, I had to really look inward and self-reflect at the low vibration I was carrying around. I didn’t like who I was. My friend, Page, even named my alter ego when I was being negative to myself. Allow me to introduce Veronica. Now when Veronica is present she brings low self-esteem, projects negativity onto herself, and wallows. She’s not fun nor attractive. I was annoyed with ~~Veronica~~ myself and wanted to change my vibration.

So how does one shift from a low vibration to rebuild thy self?

My rebuilding has been a continued journey of looking inward. It has forced me to evaluate the relationships and situationships ⁶ I was in (we’ve all be there!). I reflect on the time I spent with men I’ve dated, and why It did not work out (sometimes situations happen the way we need, not what we want). Looking at situations as time wasted, IS time wasted, you gained nothing. I refuse to see it from that perspective, I prefer to view it as lessons I’m meant to be shown (especially if it’s a pattern). I encourage you to do the same, trust me you’ll come out winning. It’s another hard we have to choose, as I wrote about in my Clarity⁷ post. I read a quote that states, “often times the people we meet are either reflections of a repeated cycle or guides towards a new start.” In order for us to move forward we cannot glaze over our reflection (hence the mirror above) but stare back at it, accept it and choose a new beginning.

While reflecting on my past relationships and dating, I gathered some interesting data. I found a good portion of who I am tends to put others needs first, especially when it came to dating (you have to find that balance). I also sought completion in a partner for my happiness and self-worth to the point of ignoring red flags (side note: what you tolerate is what they’ll continue to give ⁸ ), my own needs, and even minimizing how much it affected my mental health (damn those lasagna thoughts! ⁹). I also began to realize that even though I was looking to these men for my wholeness I still wasn’t happy! Why?! Because I was not focused on recreating myself.

Recreating oneself takes TIME, persistence, and most of all patience. Which most of us nowadays don’t have. Our body, mind and the Universe don’t work that way. They are not Amazon packages that promise delivery the next day (heaven forbid it takes 3 days!). We tend to move at the speed of want, the speed of light is now considered archaic. ¹⁰ Immerse yourself in the process, it’s where rebirth is occurring.

In order for me to get to a space of renewal, I first had to identify my Achilles’ heel (insert yours here). The continuous patterns that wouldn’t budge, that’s where the root is (where the work begins). Yank that bitch out. Mine was seeking validation, self-worth and happiness from the men I dated. It was a hard truth I had to accept in order for me to move forward. I needed to develop that security within myself, not men. Second, I needed to find a sense of freedom. Freedom from my patterns, freedom from seeking validation in men, freedom from my past.

This process allowed space for recreation, which I feel is vital for renewal. As I mentioned above, it takes time, patience and consistency. I’m still at it. Famous Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw said, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

My process of recreation has not been an easy one, it is ever-growing. While on this journey, I felt hopeless and lame, like I had nothing to offer anyone, especially a man (fucking Veronica). I did a lot of mental wallowing in self-pettiness (that’s a mouthful, I know). I felt it was never ending, when was I going to stop feeling this way!? Well the only person to save you from yourself, is you! ¹¹ Your friends, family and even therapist can be your hypemen/women, but you have to carry out the hard work and do that soul searching. And yes, it’s gonna take time, and you probably won’t even know where to begin (that’s how I felt). You have to start somewhere. Remember, earlier where I mentioned about pulling that bitch of a root out? There’s your beginning (pattern naming). That was mine. From there once you start picking things apart, being intentional, accountable and allow time for introspection (so vital!) everything else will follow suit. You’ll start to feel a little better, a little stronger, a little more resilient. You’ll begin to vibrate at a higher frequency, thus the Universe supplying you with the people, situations and environment you deserve. Please note, you will get tested though! The Universe will definitely continue to test your ass, believe that! While being tested, remind yourself how far you’ve come when old patterns resurface and do not be swayed because they are familiar (plasticity = the brains rewiring when new experiences occur ¹² ), push through the uncomfortable.

Everyone’s recreation and how you get there may look different from mine. I offer my personal experience as I continue to navigate myself through this renewal in my mid-30’s. I encourage you to do the same -I promise there is beauty waiting for you on the other side. It may be difficult to see right now. This post may be the sign you need to begin anew.

In Rick Rubins book, ‘The Creative Act: A Way of Being‘, he writes “If we focus on what’s going on inside ourselves- sensations, emotions, the patterns of our thoughts- a wealth of material can be found.” ¹³

Summarization

We go through phases every 10 years in our life.
High vibration = Groot (plant like)/ Low Vibration = negative thoughts, actions, feelings (AKA: Veronica)
- Vibrating higher invites more positivity into your life.
- Eliminates bullshit and removal of some people
- Builds resiliency
The Universe will continually test you.
Looking inward is an incessant process
- Change & growth = reflection & introspection
Take from your past to build your future. Time and situations are not wasted, they all serve a purpose. Use them as tools.
Acknowledge your repeated patterns & cycles (Achilles’ heel). They will guide your start for a renewal.
- Avoidance only serves as way to cope by not having to cope
Recreation takes time, patience, and persistence. We are not Amazon packages!
Push through when old patterns arise. Remember, plasticity is the brains rewiring when new experiences occur.
Everyone’s process in renewal will differ from the next person’s.
Take time to sit with yourself to know what’s going on inside.

(new post to come first week in November)